I try to keep this blog fairly positive. I like to think I’m fairly positive. But in my endeavor to do that, I’m finding that I’m missing out on an opportunity to be authenticious. Authentic: not false or copied; genuine; real.
So in an effort to move forward in a completely honest direction in my life, here’s a side you don’t often read . . .
I’m not ok right now. I haven’t been for a while. And I think it will be a while until I am. It’s difficult when you find yourself without refuge in your life. When your personal and professional life both tank at the same time and you feel like you’re in a hole being buried alive, My arm is now reflecting how stressed I am with a stunning something that looks like hives. It’s bad when you look down at your arm to gauge your stress level. Last week I went to bed with a migraine and woke up three times from three bad work dreams each time with my face hurting so badly that I had to tell it to release. This week I’ve been waking up at 4:30 each day and not being able to really go back to sleep . . . no matter how little sleep I got the night before. I struggle each day because I could probably cry at the drop of a pin . . . and sometimes do. I can’t even look at certain people right now because if I do, it’ll be all I can do not to say not-so-nice things or cry.
It used to be that when my work life went to pot I could find solace in my personal life and the things I did. Right now I feel like I have to remind myself to do those things so I can work on feeling back to normal again and escape my own thoughts. It also used to be that when my personal life went to pot I could find solace in my work life. But since I screwed that up too it feels like wading through the trenches on both sides.
And I can’t tell anyone I know the whole story. I think because I feel shame. More than being angry at anyone else or things they may or may not have done, I think I’m angry at myself. I think I’m angry at what I had let myself temporarily become. Like I had gotten to this really great place and then tripped again. One step forward, two steps back. Do not pass go. I think I admit it to myself, but I don’t know the difference between what is sane in stupid in my own head right now. I’m angry that I lost sight of myself at work and reverted to a scared kid in a corner about to be beaten. I’m angry that I let something happen and I can’t undo it and I can’t escape it and I can’t confront it. And it’s always there.
There’s all of these feelings and emotions in myself right now and none of them feel all that great . . . sadness, anger, pain, disbelief, shame, jealousy, disappointment, frustration. Sadness at the choices I made without thinking. Anger at myself for not standing up because I didn’t want to sound defensive. Anger at myself for not listening to my gut. Anger at myself for feeling what I feel towards other people right now and not knowing how to let go of it. Pain. I feel pain. I feel pain physically. And I’m hurt emotionally. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to tell you that you hurt me and I’m not your pet project and should never have been. Disbelief that this is my life. In shambles. Again. Jealously. What a useless frickin’ emotion. All it does is eat you alive while half the time nobody else knows. But that’s what it’s doing inside. Eating away. And the only way I can control it right now is to silence it. Disappointment. Disappointment in the things I thought I wanted being wrong, disappointment in the things I thought and knew being right. Frustration. Frustration in having to move forward through this. This uncomfortable sludge.
And hope. Hope for something brighter on the other end of this.
I’m not ok right now. But I’m going to be.